she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
