My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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