The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
