I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
4 words: hood of his car
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
