i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
