enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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