I'm jealous of your bromance
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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