i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
