It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
