He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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