so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
