I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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