I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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