bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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