you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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