i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
