just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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