this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
