Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
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BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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