she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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