Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
