Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
