He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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