i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
