I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
