So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
