but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
