I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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