I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
