my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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