I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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