i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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