If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
