I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
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I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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