I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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