i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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