I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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