and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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