she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
