I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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