The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize