Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
