Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
