just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
