she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
