I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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