Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
