you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
