What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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