I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
