The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
