I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
