she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
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"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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