Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
