i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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